I’m making it a personal goal to eat at every single restaurant in the greater Auburn/Opelika area this semester, and I plan on dragging all of you along with me! I’ve included a blueprint of our first outing below. If this goes well I start up a blog. I’ve also pitched this as a reality TV show to a couple networks. MTV said no. VH1 said no. NBC said no. TLC is still considering it. 

Whispering Oaks Bed & Breakfast Restaurant (Opelika, AL) 

“Southern home cooking at it’s finest, I kid you not. Food so mouthwatering you’ll think that your mama’s in the kitchen. Relaxing atomosphere with lots of Southern Charm.”

Attire: Gauzy, flowing fabrics, our Sunday best, vintage hats, soft curls, lace, cotton, red lips, old world charm. For the fellas: suspenders, vests, tweed blazers, worn leather boots, damp hair neatly combed and parted, a pocket knife. Fresh cut flowers, deep red and gold-leaf Bibles, and jewelry passed down from our great-grandmothers.

Each of us should have a small silver blade concealed in the sole of our shoe, just to provide an air of intrigue.

Assumed identities: We will refuse to acknowledge that this is not, in fact, antebellum-era south. We will speak in honeyed, drawling southern accents and insist on retiring to the front porch. We will persistently overuse phrases such as “I do delcare” and “My stars!” The gentlemen will argue gruffly about politics. The ladies will faint frequently. Preferably at the top of every half hour.  

Occasion: Right after a church service, when we walk out of the sanctuary and the sunlight hits us. We sit for a couple seconds in the sun-warmed car and bake, then we roll the windows down and ramble on over to this antebellum home. We descend on the buffet and eat until we have to loosen the ties on our dresses.

Cuisine: Mashed potatoes, fried chicken, fish, peach cobbler, red velvet cake, banana pudding, macaroni and cheese, cornbread, collard greens, roasted chicken, fresh vegetables, desserts as far as the eye can see. "The scrumptious buffet menu varies from day to day. All of the vegetables are fresh from local farmers. If you have room for desserts, they are heavenly. Pecan pies, banana pudding, coconut pies… too many to list."

Price: $8 buffet, eat until you bust.